from my heart

journal -

from my heart

There are many cliché words of wisdom sailing through my head as I attempt to put together my thoughts in to words that make any sense at all.

Most of them refer to time as a teacher, healer, truth-revealer or an establishment of reason.
.
.

“ Everything happens for a reason.”

 The last four years have been quite the testament to this statement. Things have happened and not happened when they did or didn’t, all for a reason. Or so it seems at the moment, which, too, might just be one of the many floating pieces of the big puzzle.

All my life, the one thing that was extremely important to me was the ability to express myself in ways that words couldn’t. Being a dancer for seventeen years since I was four taught me the art of self-expression and translating feelings into experiences and vice versa. Besides dance, I found myself the happiest filling canvases with abstract knife paintings and eventually making clothes with my best friends during my {very brave} stint with Economics. Going to FIT and eventually establishing my eponymous label was a dream come true.

 

Now here’s what’s funny.
.
.
.
“Chance is a word void of sense; nothing can exist without a cause.”

Every day since, dreaming up and building collections, as exciting as they were, I found myself slowly drifting away from that one feeling that had inspired me to initiate this journey. This gradual movement away from the roots had been creating a void that I have come to recognize recently. I’d been making clothes and building a business in a flow that lacked the presence of my whole heart. The promising momentum was always followed by a phase of feeling lost and questioning the very core of my craft.

Why the banter?
.
.
.
 “Remember why you started.”

The mildly dramatic romantic in me finds escape to be the solution; both, physical and emotional escape. After five months of sixteen-hour workdays of intense production schedules and last minute collections, I decided to stop. I decided it was time to step aside and watch my world from afar. I decided to breathe and to deeply, yet peacefully interrogate the inward. In the process of seeking clarity, this strangely beautiful thing called the universe magically put me in places and moments that subtly triggered waves of change. It was all a bit hazy then, but tiny fractions of my being started building up corners of this massive puzzle {all in my head}. I was reminded of what really moved me and who I really was. I was home.

 

The Conclusion

I’m not concluding with any words of wisdom neither is this conclusion a concrete collection of decisions or plans. It’s a simple recognition of the truth that what was really important to the ten year old me is what is important to me now. It’s the beginning of an ever evolving, constantly challenging walk within.
In pursuit of this walk, I hope to steer this ship towards the sunsets and sunrises I secretly paint in my mind.

 

 

X


Leave a comment